Blessed

Hello Everyone,

Today, as I am updating the baby registries and working on my sweet children's baby books, I think of how long it has taken us to get here and what toll it had on both of us. People don't realize how much both Matt and I hold our emotions in. You would see my smile and my laugh and think all was great, but I can hide my feelings well. Matt is pretty stoic, he never lets people see his feelings. This is our story of what we felt then to show how unimaginably fortunate we feel now.

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since we were 26. We did what most people do, stop taking the necessary precautions against pregnancy and hope that nature would take its course. After a year of trying with no results, we saw the first Dr. He suggested that we go see a specialist and get tested. Matt and I at this point, thought it was just poor luck, we thought we were just getting the timing incorrect. We didn't think that there was a huge issue, so we didn't persist.

The next year, my brother and his wife got pregnant with the first, my wonderful little niece Lilly. I immediately went home and cried. It is ,of course, not their fault, I think it was the fact that I didn't realize HOW much I wanted a child at that point. Every time I held that little blond angel, it was like my heart ached for what I couldn't achieve. I mean, getting pregnant should be easy, it is what we are made for. So we started being a little more active in our pursuit for children.

Our next step was basal body temperature measurement. We started taking my temperature each day and then as it goes up you record it and start peeing on those uber expensive ovulation strips to try to figure out when we had an open window. With PCOS, you can ovulate every three months or once a month for 2 months and not for the next 4, so that, of course, was a bust.

All the while, well meaning people keep asking as they do when you are married for a little while, when are you having kids, you better get working on those kids, one of my uncles even said, You better have kids soon, the clocks ticking away. At that point, we weren't ready to tell people about the troubles, we didn't know what was going on, if it would continue, and didn't want people to talk about "those poor Hoffmans that can't have a baby". So we lied. We said we wanted to save money, or weren't ready yet, just to fend off the questions. In retrospect, that was really more of my thing than anyone else's but we kind of became more absent at extended family gatherings. I just couldn't handle all the questions.

So then we started using the ovu-watch and that didn't work either. Now, I am 28 and three years of trying to have a baby have passed. This is, of course, the time when EVERYONE starts having a baby. Each new pregnancy being a tiny adorable arrow to my heart. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for people, it was just a painful reminder of what Matt and I both wanted so dearly. We started to search for fertility doctors and try to see what exactly was causing the issue. We finally found one in Geneva by the name of Dr. Robert Springer. He specializes in people with PCOS so I felt comfortable with him. This began the years of testing and treatments.

We both were tested before the treatments began. I have PCOS and that was really our only hurdle. Matt's sperm count was fine, my tubes were fine (that test btw, is not fun and somewhat painful), it was basically all me. So with the treatments we first tried clomid on our own for a 4-5 months. That didn't work, we could never get the timing correct. Then we tried clomid with monitored visits for a few months and nothing. So finally we leapt into IUI's. The first I had, we used clomid and I didn't react. So we upped the amount of clomid and did an IUI and it didn't take. I was devastated, I thought once the Dr was really involved it would be a snap.

We had a consultation and the Dr and he said if I lost weight it would help. So I  joined weight watchers and started trying to lose weight. I had lost like 5 lbs and low and behold, we got pregnant naturally that September. I really can't express the elation we felt. We both hugged and cried and hugged some more. God had finally granted our prayers! Matt doted on me, making me eat weird green veggie shakes and grilled chicken all the time so our baby would be strong and healthy. We bought clothes, started buying toys, we were just so excited. Weeks passed and the baby was developing wonderfully. Around 8 weeks, I had some light bleeding. The Dr said it is normal, just keep your feet up and relax. So I didn't worry, I went along thinking all was well  and that our little bundle was healthy and happy. At this point too, my sister in law was pregnant with their 4th, Logan. It was so exciting because I thought they would be close in ages and could play together. It was like all the moons aligned or something.

Around 12 weeks, I had a little more bleeding. I was more freaked out this time, I hadn't been monitored yet so no one could tell me what was going on. Matt came home from work and we went to the hospital. They did an ultrasound and that baby was gone. It had stopped growing at 8 weeks when I had the first bleeding and we had just thought all was fine. I am sobbing in the ultrasound chair, Matt is trying to comfort me but all I can feel is this terrible heart wrenching loss. This baby, our sweet little baby, was not there anymore. My family came to try to comfort me but it just wasn't going to happen. This happened on a Friday and they scheduled a D&C on Monday to remove our baby.

On Sunday night, I started having horrible cramps. I was in bed and crying from pain, trying to use a heating pad and some aspirin to curb the pain. I got up to use the restroom and it was like a bucket of blood was pouring out of me. I honestly have never seen so much blood in my life. I moved to the shower and it continued to pour our of me. Matt was so worried, I have never seen him like that before and never again since. He was calling the ER, which called our OB and she said that it was just the baby passing naturally. This lasted for the 15-20 minutes. Once the bleeding subsided, I was exhausted. I wrapped towels around me and fell asleep.

I stayed out of work for a week. I woke up every morning and sobbed. Matt would come downstairs and hold me on the couch. Then we would sit there for awhile, just feeling lost. We would try to do stuff to stay busy. We saw some movies, went out to lunch, and Christmas shopped. I forgot to mention that this all happened a week before Christmas. My sister in law had little Logan, and I just couldn't handle seeing him right away. With the loss so fresh, it was like ripping my heart over and over again, I was just too emotional to handle it. Time slowly passed and I was able to function more, I went back to work and was able to hold the adorable little fella finally. Christmas had a sad cloud over it but we had each other and our families so that helped tremendously. Miscarriage is a horrible loss on it's own, but compounded with fertility issues, it is devastating.

To add insult to injury, we had switched insurances to Matt's when I found out I was pregnant. We wanted to make the change early so we could get the Dr information together early for the labor and delivery. Matt's insurance doesn't cover ANY fertility treatments at all. So we had to wait for another year to pass before we could start back up again. The year went by, Matt and I healed somewhat from our loss and trudged on to the next treatments. I had been diligently working out and doing weight watchers, so I had lost 28 lbs to go into the next round of treatments. We felt pretty good about that.

Dr. Springer seemed pretty confident that IUI's would work for us. Nothing was for sure, of course, but it was a good possibility that it would work. So we did 4 IUI's with no result. People who don't have fertility issues, don't really understand how painful those ups and downs are. The hope, the loss of hope, the crying and feeling of inadequacy, it is rough on a person and hard on a marriage. Not including the money spent but just the emotion attached. We leaned on each other for support and our marriage is the stronger for it, thankfully.

Finally we decided to do the IVF treatments, and that is where our story begins on this blog. Most people have been wonderfully supportive and kind throughout this whole ordeal, and I thank you all for that. I just wanted to document how we have worked for this and prayed for this and just are so blessed to have these two little angels coming into our lives.

Sorry this is so long!

Lots of Love,
Krista